Honestly.
Aren’t we advanced enough as a civilization to finally rid ourselves of these rough, hard, cardboard-like rolls of toilet paper!? Why do we need to cut corners on this one? I certainly enjoy saving a few bucks as much as the next person but what did our poor buttholes do to deserve this horrible act of scratchy, painful abuse? Granted, the area in and around the Exit has never been revered by society and for good reason. Unless approached after a shower it can be a very dangerous place, but we can’t deny it’s utter importance to our ultimate well being any longer. Anus, I wish I could carry around my own soft, fluffy roll everywhere I go so you would never again be subjected to such brutal acts of penny pinching. Am I the only one? We need not be afraid to speak as advocates for our much-deserved Director of Defecations.
The argument against the kinder way of wiping is that it uses more trees to create these heavenly rolls. However, it’s been my experience that the thinner the tissue, the more I need to use anyway. Often wrapping the roll around and around my fingertips in a hopeless attempt to create the illusion of comfort. Not to mention the extra time it takes to get these well glued rolls with whisper thin squares even started. I end up with a pile of shredded paper around my ankles. On the other hand, when used responsibly, the charming, quilted alternatives require only a few squares and can be less wasteful than their “almost poke your finger through” counterparts.
These soft, loving, nurturing rolls of beautiful toilet paper should not be a luxury, they should be a requirement. Unfortunately we always find out what we’re dealing with when it’s too late to act. We’ve rushed in to a stall or a neighbor’s bathroom during a desperate time and then, after some contemplative moments, we discover that instead of the Filet, were having Salisbury Steak. It is time for a change. A call to action. One cushiony, soft roll at a time.
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