Shower Gloves: Yeah I Use 'Em And You Can Too!

I recently divulged to some friends that I wear shower gloves while cleaning myself in...the shower. They seemed quite shocked that I would admit this fact. I wasn't embarrassed, but I did began to wonder "Are men not supposed to wear shower gloves?" and "If this is true, why shouldn't men's strikingly beautiful bodies get the chance to be as clean as a woman's?" Now, I think we can all agree that not all parts of a man's body are commonly considered classically beautiful. Especially the testicular region of said man. However, I believe we are as equally entitled to pristine, squeaky clean skin as woman are, even if there is a delicate blanket of hair and braun covering that skin.

I will admit, at first it seemed a bit odd to wear anything resembling clothing in the shower but once I let that gentle scrubbing action work it's nurturing magic on the largest organ of my body (talkin' 'bout skin, stay focused here) I was hooked. How could I go back to the "bar in hand" method or see anymore body wash opportunities slip through my fingers and down the drain...literally.

Now there are certain "suggestions" that can help men and women use their exfoliating shower gloves properly.

One, Don't try to put a dry glove over a wet hand. Wet both your hands then your gloves then put them on. Any other way is infuriating and will ultimately lead to unnecessary tugging and pulling of your precious shower mates.

Two, Shower gloves are rough by nature. This is how they scrub off unemployed, lazy, dead skin to reveal new vibrant skin, so keep these gloves away from your yardstick and robin's eggs at all cost! (men only) You might think, "I want my three stooges to be super clean and refreshed for tonight's date", WRONG! You will regret that decision for at least two hours as your better half grudgingly chafes against your underwear. That's what I hear anyway....Women, apply this same logic to "Virginia".

Three, Do not wash your inner butt with your shower gloves. This is funky and just plain nasty.

Four, Although not everyone abides by this suggestion, I would not recommend washing your feet with your shower gloves. Why? Because they are feet. Get out the soap and just use your hands. Toe jam and shower gloves are enemies.

Five, Always hang dry your shower gloves. There are few things nastier than going in for a relaxing tub tub and your shower gloves are cold, wet and most likely smell like Grandma's basement because they were balled up and left in the soap dish or in the corner next to an old, rusty disposable razor.

Stick to these simple tips and shower gloves should add a new, exciting dimension to your refreshing, self-care routine.

You might say to yourself... "Damn, for being so Dirty LA you sure know a lot about the intricacies of shower accessories and how to stay clean and fresh you manly, self-assured blogist you." This is true and quite astute of you. Now shouldn't you be planning a trip to CVS and a date with your shower? I'll leave you two alone....

(she wears a "shower thong" too...sweet)

(shower gloves will not help here, shower shoes will)

(a great place to test your new mitts)

L.A. Area's Newest Attraction: "Disneyland"

Recently I made a trip to a brand new attraction called "Disneyland". I was skeptical at first. I mean what is a "Disney" anyway? I didn't know, but i was about to find out...Here is my review using extreme naiveté and hyperbole.

Right off the bat I see how extremely efficient this place already is. These yellow painted arrows guided me through a concrete structure and led me right to my space where I could park my vehicle. Genius! I travelled down a set of moving stairs (very high tech and new) and made my way into the "amusement" park where I was promptly handed a map of what appears to be a foreign country by a man in a brand new uniform and hat.

(I would later discover that this was in fact, a map of the park itself)

At this point I can't wait. What is this new, amazing place going to be like?! I peed a little when I first walked in and looked around but it dried up quick because it was so hot outside. Crisis Averted.

Main St. U.S.A was absolutely amazing. They had a place where I could get an instant coffee and a locker where I could put my duffel. They really did think of everything in this section.

After moseying around for a while I became so impressed with the creativity and fresh ideas that flooded this mecca of imagination. For a brand new park, they had such great environment development. Again, like it had been there for years..

On the forefront of all this creativity were the areas named "Tomorrowland", "Frontierland", "Adventureland" and "Fantasyland". Wow! How did they come up with these names?! Each of these sections were exactly like it's name suggested. In Tomorrowland I saw at least three examples of rides that represented futurity, later on and the day after today, while Frontierland was exactly how I pictured the frontier to be like. Except in this version they had a roller coaster called "Thunder Mountain", which to my knowledge didn't exist during the Wild West days. I know they had some rides back then, but none called "Thunder Mountain" I bet they put that ride in "Frontierland" because everyone wants to sit in the "front". I could be wrong though.

Something happened in Adventureland and then off to Fantasyland I went. This area had rides and attractions based upon some of the newest and forward thinking characters I've seen in a long time. A wooden boy named "Pinocchio" whose nose would grow when he told a lie. (wonder where they got that idea from...something growing as you tell lies...hmm) anyway there was also a woman named "Snow White" who had seven dwarfs as friends (Very progressive and accepting) and a flying elephant ride named after "Dumbo" the elephant with giant ears. (You want outside the box? BAM!) I was absolutely taken aback. I remember thinking how they should make some movies based on these characters, like animated features or something. They could probably make at least a little money through licensing but then again what do I know? I took a deep breath and just soaked it all in.

I started to get hungry so I went to this place where they served human required sustenance. I ordered sliced chicken breast cutlet pieces lightly breaded and fried served alongside long-cut fried potatoes with a side of a delightful sauce made from crushed tomatoes, salt and some other stuff. Totally delicious.

Moving on I discovered a town within a town. Trippy, I know. The locals kept referring to it as "Mickey's Toon Town" so I immediately thought of Mickey Rooney (who wouldn't?) and began searching in hopes to see the original "Huckelberry Finn" from 1939's "Adventure of Huck Finn". Well, as it turns out Mickey is a mouse. Now, I'm not sure how this idea got past the drawing board but the last time I checked, people HATE mice. Why would you create a character based on a filthy, disease ridden scoundrel vermin of the Earth? As soon as I discovered this fact I nearly became ill right there on the spot. I overheard some tweens saying "Mickey was close-by hugging kids and taking pictures!" They were definitely scared. Scared or excited, but I heard scared and the thought of a giant mouse walking around and shaking people hands and God knows what else threw me into an immediate panic attack. I began walking away from this horrible area. Slow at first and then progressively faster until I am literally sprinting through all of these different worlds and landscapes in a desperate attempt to get back to Main St. USA and my precious duffel.

After passing through Critter Country and then New Orleans Square I calmed down just enough to pause, get my bearings and purchase a lemonade and a churro. Talk about redemption! The tasteful explosion of fried dough, cinnamon and sugar left me speechless. This was the newest, most advanced use of cinnamon I had seen in a long time. A perfect blend of old world convenience with a modern culinary twist. What a pleasant surprise. This snack completely shifted my mindset and I forgot all about that scumbag, pervert rodent and settled down a bit, just enough to notice a bronze statue of a man standing next to...you guessed it..."Mickey" the mouse.

Knowing that I was not afraid of statues, I walked closer to investigate and try to make some sense of this strange place. I learned that apparently this man "Walt" was a lonely, mad scientist who experimented in his castle basement for years before creating a genetically mutated giant mouse to befriend and have adventures with. (Sounds crazy, but that's what the plaque said) His writings and scientific findings were found long after he died and in his memory the community decided to build this beautiful land of excess under the guise of innocence. Simply breathtaking. I had absolutely no idea that all this time I had literally been walking through the mind of a trailblazing Maverick. My opinion of this place and of this magnificent man changed instantly. What a daring, impressive innovator. An American Hero if I ever did hear of one. I hope this place catches on. It'd be a shame if it didn't...

(a poster describing my accident)

(locals)

(a real-life mutant)

(Walt and his Mickey. Nice nose placement)